The Role and Priorities of the Husband
5: 25-33
The role and priorities of the husband DIG: How did Messiah love the Church? Was there anything he wouldn’t do for her? Did He lord over her, or serve her? Did He even suffer and die for her? How hard would it be for a wife to submit to her husband if he truly exhibited servant leadership? What would cause a husband not to have his prayers heard? How does the Jewish wedding ceremony foreshadow Messiah’s return? Why the mystery?
REFLECT: Should the husband be a dictator to his wife? Should she be a doormat? Explain your thinking? How do you serve your wife? In what ways do you sacrifice your wants and desires for your wife? Do you know her wants, needs, and desires for the future? What are you doing to make her dreams come true? Are you her number one fan? The real question men should be asking is, “How did Messiah love the Church?”
Messiah’s sacrifice on the cross is the barometer for a husband’s love for his wife.
Sacrificial love (5:25b): The Torah model is a husband who loves his wife. Rabbi Sha’ul tells us that men are to emulate Messiah in their love for their wives. He says: Husbands, love your wives, just as the Messiah loved the Church, and gave Himself up for her (5:25 NIV). This is a sacrificial love. There is no bullying, there is no forced submission. Instead the biblical husband is to nourish and cherish his wife. To be her number one fan. One cannot cherish a person and at the same time disregard their wishes and opinions. Messiah-like headship is defined as servant-hood. Lording it over another person is something that the Master attributes to the ways of pagans. His disciples are to demonstrate leadership through their humble service: Yeshua said, “You know that among the Goyim, those who are supposed to rule them become tyrants, and their superiors’ become dictators. Among you, it must not be like that. On the contrary, whoever among you wants to be a leader must become your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave! For the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve – and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Matthew 20:25-28). And Paul charges married men to love their wives and do not be embittered against them (Colossians 3:19). Again the key word is love (First Corinthians 13:4-7).
It is particularly important that we notice that the apostle never commands husbands to “make your wives submit to you.” The mitzvah of submitting to one’s husband belongs solely to the woman. It is the wife’s mitzvah, not the husbands. A husband need not worry that his wife is not submitting to him. That is her business, not his. The Bible does not give a man license to force his wife to obey him. Rather, he is to love her and treat her as a fellow heir. She is his partner, not his servant. A man who does not show his wife the dignity of being his fellow heir will not even be heard in heaven. Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered (First Peter 3:7). An insensitive man or harsh authoritarian that does not live with his wife in an understanding way is not worthy of even having his prayers answered. After all, he does not listen to his wife’s entreaties, so why should God listen to his? Thus, we learn that the biblical principles of submission and authority within the home depend upon a godly man who conducts himself according to the highest standards of Torah. A home ruled by the iron fist of harsh authoritarian is not worthy of the name of Messiah.236
Dear Heavenly Father, Praise You for being the perfect model for how a husband should love his wife. Because You are the Creator and Almighty Sovereign of the universe, You definitely have the right to be heavy handed and make sure all obey You. Instead, You chose the role of being the loving Savior (Romans 10:9-10) and Father of all who love You, male or female (Galatians 3:28), rich or poor, young or old, Jew or Gentile Ephesians 1:5-13). But whoever did receive Him, those trusting in His name, to these He gave the right to become children of God (John 1:12).
When husbands follow the example of Messiah Yeshua’s so gracious love, their kind behavior encourages their wives to desire to be close to them and to follow and love their gracious husbands. Have this attitude in yourselves, which also was in Messiah Yeshua, Who, though existing in the form of God, did not consider being equal to God a thing to be grasped. But He emptied Himself – taking on the form of a slave (Philippians 2:5-7a).
When a husband and wife both lovingly submit to you, it brings peace and joy into the home. Thank You for giving all who love You, both men and women, Your Ruach to live within them and to guide how each is to follow the role guidelines that You have set up for their happiness. Yeshua answered and said to him: If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word. My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our dwelling with him (John 14:23).
Though life seems hard at times, and it may seem easier to ignore the role guidelines that You have given, the truth is this life is but a blink. It is always wisest for me to follow all You say for I will be rewarded for serving You with a loving and obedient heart (First Corinthians 3:11-15). The joy You have for those who lay aside selfish ways to follow You will be rewarded for all eternity. An eternal reward is worth living for. I cannot even imagine how long one thousand years is, let alone ten thousand times ten thousand years; but even that is only scratching the surface of how long I will enjoy living with You in your wonderful and peaceful home of heaven (John 14:1-3 and Revelation 21:1-3). It is so well worth it to love and to follow all you say about husband-and-wife roles. For I consider the sufferings of this present time not worthy to be compared with the coming glory to be revealed to us. (Romans 8:18). In Messiah Yeshua’s holy Name and power of His resurrection. Amen
We have proven that YHVH is decidedly patriarchal. Wives do not have free-agency. They are to submit to their husbands as to the Lord (to see link click Bw – The Role and Priorities of the Wife). And husbands are to love their wives, just as the Messiah loved the Church. The critical question is how did Messiah love the Church? Was there anything He would not do for the Church? What was his attitude toward the Church?
Mark answers these questions like this: For the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many (Mark 10:45). So if the husband puts his wife first in everything, thinking of her first, making sure all her needs are met by serving her, then that is much easier to submit to. But this kind of a relationship seems a lot different from: he shall rule over you (see the commentary on Genesis Bf – Your Desire Will Be For Your Husband, and He Will Rule Over You), doesn’t it? That sounds pretty harsh, not like a servant at all. Which is it? Does he come to serve or rule? Moreover, how is he to rule over her? If you think this is confusing, just look at the state of marital roles. It is one of the most confused areas in and out of the Church today. The main problem is confusion between man’s relationship with his wife, and his responsibility with what goes on in the marriage.
Let’s look at relationships first. The Bible clearly teaches that men and women are equals socially, psychologically, and spiritually. In other words, they are equals in their relationship with each other. God created us as equals (1:27-28), and we are to be one when married (2:24). We are equally sinful (Romans 3:23), and equally saved (John 1:12-13; Second Corinthians 5:17). Husbands and wives are to submit to each other sexually (First Corinthians 7:2-5), and socially (Ephesians 5:21). Furthermore, the Bible teaches that there shall be no sexual discrimination (Galatians 3:28). Men and women are equally dependent on God (First Corinthians 11:11-12), accepted equally as believers (Acts 5:14), and co-laborers for Him (Romans 16:1, 3-6; Philippians 4:3). So in their relationship, men and women are equals. There is no doubt about that. But there is another area that we need to look at.
The second area the Bible teaches us about is responsibility. Even though men and women are equal in their relationship to one another, men are ultimately held responsible for what goes on in the marriage. The Bible tells us that when Abram lied about Sarai being his wife, Pharaoh held Abram responsible (Genesis 12:17-20). Later, after God changed their names, Abraham and Sarah did the same thing again and Abimelech held Abraham responsible (Genesis 20:9). And it seems the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree, as Abraham’s son Isaac was held responsible for the lie about Rebekah (Genesis 26:9). Much later, God held David responsible for his sin with Bathsheba and sent the prophet Nathan to rebuke him. In Genesis, Adam and Eve both ate of the tree of knowledge of good and evil; in fact Eve led the way, but God held Adam responsible (Genesis 3:9). This principle is not only taught in the TaNaKh, but also in the B’rit Chadashah where Paul tells us that through one man sin entered the world (Romans 5:12, 14 and 17). Responsibility begs for accountability, and God held Adam responsible. Not only was the responsibility not the same for Adam and Eve, neither were their consequences. With the leader following and the follower leading, God declared that Adam would rule over Eve.
So with this understanding, we come back to the question: How shall the husband rule over his wife? Husbands and wives should make important decisions together as a team, but if they cannot agree, he has to make the call because he is responsible before God. How he handles the situation, how he listens to his wife and takes her feelings and opinions into consideration are important. She needs to be heard. Husbands who do not listen to their wives are fools, because Elohim made her a helper suitable for him (Genesis 2:18). If the wife does not feel like she is being heard or has any input in the marriage, it will crush her spirit and/or drive her away (physically and/or emotionally).
Purifying love (5:26-27): In order to set it apart for God . . . The Rabbi is no doubt alluding to the Jewish name of the marriage covenant – kiddushin (sanctified marriage). It is an illustration that every Jew would understand. As biblical marriage is a consecration of a woman to a man, so, too, it reminds every Jew of being set apart as a people for God. In fact, the phrasing of 5:26-27 (and the broader context of Ephesians) is reminiscent of the entire Jewish wedding ceremony . . . making it clean through immersion in the mikveh, so to speak (5:26). Here, the Rabbi makes another reference to the mikveh as he discusses family purity mitzvot, specifically in the Jewish wedding traditions. It was and still is a common practice for a Jewish groom and bride to separately take a ritual immersion in water at a mikveh just before the final step of their wedding. Rabbinic law dictates that a kosher (acceptable) mikveh must have at least 200 gallons of rainwater funneled into a pool. Each natural body of water (oceans, rivers, or lakes) is already considered acceptable. We find immersions in Scripture (Second Kings 5 and Matthew 3).
It should be noted that a person must be thoroughly clean before being totally immersed, thereby showing that the waters of the mikveh are not for physical cleansing, but for a spiritual purpose. In Jewish sources, the act of tevilah (immersion or baptism) is akin to being born again. The person who has sinned and becomes impure is transformed; he dies and is resurrected and becomes a new creation.
Rabbi Sha’ul makes an important point here by alluding to the custom of a mikveh on one’s wedding day. It is the responsibility of the new husband to make sure both he and his bride take this symbolic immersion as they start their lives together. This beautifully parallels the immersion of the Ruach that makes all believers clean as we become new creatures in Messiah (see the commentary on Second Corinthians Bd – A New Creation). Sha’ul emphasizes both aspects within the Jewish wedding customs. In a literal sense, Messianic husbands are to mentor their wives spiritually so that they are clean and without defect. Similarly, we believers are called to live as faithful brides and to participate in this mikveh in anticipation of our wedding day with Messiah. In order to present the Church to Himself as a bride to be proud of, without a spot, wrinkle or any such thing (Song of Songs 4:7), but holy and without defect (5:27). In so doing, we will be a spiritual bride this is holy, cleansed, without defect and waiting for Him.237
Caring love (5:28-30): For a husband’s love for his wife to be like Messiah’s love for His Body, the Church, it must also be affectionately caring. This is how husband’s ought to love their wives – like their own bodies; for the man who loves his wife is loving himself. When she needs strength, he gives her strength. When she needs encouragement, he gives her that. And so with every other need she has. Why, no one ever hated his own flesh! On the contrary, he feeds it well and takes care of it, just as the Messiah does the Church, because we are parts of his Body.238
Unbreakable love (5:31): Therefore a man will leave his father and mother and remain with his wife, and the two will become one flesh. Rabbi Sha’ul again refers back to the early verses of the Torah and God’s design for marriage. Yet, he takes it a step further in reminding the husbands to be godly leaders in their marriages. It is all illustrated in the Jewish understanding of marriage and the final step of the Jewish wedding ceremony. As the one-year engagement time draws to a close, the father of the groom initiates the last part of the ceremony with the sounding of the shofar. The general community, and even the bridal party, was never sure of the exact time, so they needed to be ready (see the commentary on The Life of Christ Jw – The Parable of the Ten Virgins). At the sound of the shofar, the wedding procession would begin from the groom’s home to pick up the bride to bring her to the huppah (wedding canopy). There, the ketubah (written contract) would be signed and vows exchanged. The second cup of wine would be shared along with the seven blessings over the couple. At the completion of the ceremony, the couple would then be fully married and could live together with full conjugal rights.
Today, almost all the above elements are included in one ceremony in the modern Jewish wedding. They still speak volumes about our relationship with God and His plan for the future. Messianic Jews and Gentiles have become “engaged to Yeshua.” We currently await the sound of the shofar announcing the return of the groom, Yeshua Messiah (see the commentary on Leviticus Ee – Rosh ha’Shanah – Trumpets), to start the final wedding processional, and be reunited with Him to live together for the thousand-year Messianic Kingdom centered in Jerusalem. What a time of rejoicing that will be!239
Mysterious love (5:32-33): The final step of the Jewish wedding ceremony contains symbolism about our personal relationship with God. There is a profound mystery – but I am talking about Messiah and the Church. A mystery in the bible is something once hidden, but now revealed (Colossians 1:26-27)? The sacred relationship between believing husbands and wives is indistinguishably related to the sacred relationship between Messiah and His Church. However, the text also applies to each of you individually: let each man love his wife as he does himself, and see that the wife respects her husband. Husbands, are we fulfilling our roles as servant leaders to our wives and family? Wives, are you living up to your high calling of being a suitable complement to your husband? We have all sent out our RSVPs by receiving Yeshua as our Redeemer. He desires for all people to attend this great Jewish wedding (see The Life of Christ Hp – The Parable of the Great Banquet).240
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